Visitors, inspirational and otherwise By the Guy on the 13th Floor Illustration by J.P. Thimot. I can’t escape the Dalai Lama. He’s everywhere. At least he’s everywhere in Buffalo since it was announced he would visit this September. It was foretold. Now he’s everywhere. I open my monthly piece of junk mail from the Quality Paperback Book Club, and there he is. A little “spiritualism” insert has a few Lama books next to a book on Kabbalah and other books with titles like, Inspiration: Your Ultimate Calling, and Why Do I Love These People? Best of all, there’s the Dalai Lama multimedia kit complete with DVDs, CDs, books, thirty-six little pictures of His Holiness with sayings on the back, and a mini easel for display at home or work. Since very few people in the United States actually are Tibetan Buddhists, here, the Dalai Lama is less a genuine religious leader as he is a new age celebrity. Anyway, the great Buddhist was not the only leader visiting Buffalo over the past few months. We also had the State Democratic Convention. And Bigfoot made an appearance in Clarence. The hit of the convention was, of course, Bigfoot. He received more ink in the Buffalo News than most of the candidates. The demise of Buffalo’s Denise O’Donnell as a candidate for attorney general was hardly mentioned, but Bigfoot got a huge spread. Something else that, while printed elsewhere, appears to have been completey missed by Western New York media was Democratic lieutenant governor candidate David Paterson’s top ten reasons he wants the job. He actually said these things in the Ellicott Square Building at a rally for his candidacy (if you don’t believe me, google “David Paterson” and “fart”): “#10 To boss Republicans around.” See, right now he’s the minority leader in the State Senate. The lieutenant governor chairs Senate meetings. Paterson won’t have any real power as chair, but he can do things like call for quiet in the chamber, thus boss Republicans around. This was a big laugh line for the political geeks. “#9 There will be fewer bad hair days than with Mary Donohue.” Mary Donohue is Pataki’s lieutenant governor. You didn’t know this because after Pataki’s first #2 ran against him, he hired someone who agreed to disappear for eight years in exchange for a federal judgeship. “#8 Because state troopers drive you around, I won’t have to drive anymore.” This was another big laugh line because Paterson is blind. He can’t drive—get it? “#7 A facelift comes with the job.” This one sunk like a rock in Buffalo, where public employees actually do get facelifts with their union jobs. They thought he was making fun of them. “#6 So I won’t get investigated by Eliot Spitzer.” Ah … he’s assuming a Spitzer win. Since Spitzer’s rival Tom Suozzi doesn’t have a running mate, and nobody is challenging Paterson, he could theoretically be elected on a Suozzi ticket. Then, in the waning days before Spitzer leaves office as attorney general, he could investigate Paterson out of jealousy. Yeah, he didn’t think of that. “#5 You get to fart in the executive bathroom.” There it is, the “fart” reference. Come to think of it, has the word “fart” ever appeared before in Spree? “#4 Absolute greed.” Still looking for the joke in that one … “#3 I’ll do anything to get away from Eric Schneiderman.” Most people don’t know this, but state senate minority leaders get deputies, too. Schneiderman is sort of the lieutenant for the guy who aspires to be someone else’s lieutenant. “#2 Stan Lundine wasn’t available.” Remember him? He was the last Democratic lieutenant governor. After the glory years of Lundine, who wouldn’t want the job? “#1 To spend more time at home.” The joke here is that the lieutenant governor doesn’t actually do anything. Anyway, after saying “fart,” Paterson never quite reached the same level again. By this point the audience was just sort of forcing chuckles. In any case, Buffalo has not simply hosted greatness (Paterson, Lama, Bigfoot, etc.)—we have also attempted to export it. Yes, I’m talking about the Chris Jacobs for lieutenant governor campaign. Jacobs was plucked from near obscurity in quick succession by Governor Pataki (for the position of secretary of state, I guess in case New York State wants to enter into an international treaty) and then by William Weld to be his running mate. You remember Weld: he was the choice of the Republican Party establishment to succeed Pataki. The only problem is, Buffalo Control Board member John Faso (who isn’t actually from Buffalo, so he doesn’t count as “our” candidate) kicked Weld’s ass at the sparsely attended Republican convention. Weld dropped out and Jacob’s campaign imploded. But it was fun while it lasted. Jacobs, a school board member who had previously lost races for the county legislature and state senate, apparently didn’t know anything about Weld. At his unveiling, Jacobs reportedly said that Weld “overcame the odds twice for two victories” in Massachusetts, where he had previously served as governor. Everyone else in the room shifted uncomfortably, knowing Weld’s re-election was a cakewalk. Jacobs then said that Weld was “one of the most experienced political figures in modern history.” Weld had served a total of six years in elected office. Jacobs gave Weld a few more reasons to take a dive at the GOP convention when he revealed that he had recently switched from being a Republican to a Democrat who donated money to Eliot Spitzer’s campaign, back to being a Republican in order to run unsuccessfully for the State Senate. Then, of course, there was the hockey/Republican politics connection. Tom Golisano took a pass this year despite probably being in a better position to run for governor—thanks to the success of his Buffalo Sabres—than the three times he actually did. Jacobs’s family co-owns the hated Boston Bruins. Way to show you don’t really prefer Massachusetts over New York, “Governor” Weld. What does any of this have to do with Tibetan Buddhism? The real question is, what does Tibetan Buddhism have to do with any of this? Actually, I don’t know. I know next to nothing about Tibetan Buddhism. But this Buffalo/lieutenant governor nexus is awfully Zen. The Guy on the 13th Floor is currently contemplating the sound that would be made by one hand of the lieutenant governor clapping. SUBSCRIBE NOW Back to the Table of Contents Back to Top