Mola Ram Rituals By Joe Sweeney As Buffalonians, we have much to be proud of: mesmerizing architecture, delicious food, a vibrany arts community, the bank manager that gets killed in the beginning of The Dark Knight, etc. But of all our area’s positive attributes, our thick skins might be the most impressive. That’s why Buffalo Spree has added this little column, which will keep you up-to-date on local scandals, letdowns, blunders, and bummers. (For those of you with love lives, Mola Ram is the demonic priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom who digs the hearts from his victims’ chests with his bare hands. If you live around these parts, you’re probably familiar with the ritual.) As of this writing, these folks are getting totally Mola Rammed: 1. Kathleen Gaffney, Artistic Director & CEO, Studio Arena Theatre In August, a story broke involving Nicole Kidman and Studio Arena that seemed too good to be true—the A-list, Academy Award-winning, Chanel-shilling celebrity, who has no professional or personal connections to our city, was going out of her way to help save its struggling, debt-drowned theater. Of course, Gaffney and the Buffalo theater community were happily shell-shocked. That is, until Kidman’s publicist made this statement: “She’s not even familiar with the theater … The comments attributed to Nicole must have come from someone else.” After getting her hopes up for something life-affirming, Gaffney instead had to endure the fallout of a perplexing, embarrassing, gut-wrenching hoax–like watching The Hours for the first time. And then she was let go. 2. People who care about Sam Hoyt’s and Barbra Kavanaugh’s stances on political issues Ever since a local political blogger posted three-and-a-half-year-old e-mails between Assemblyman Sam Hoyt and a woman that he admittedly “broke his wedding vows with,” the chances of a healthy, constructive Hoyt/Kavanaugh campaign went down the drain. I’m by no means condoning Hoyt’s actions, but what good does airing this dirty, perverted laundry do for the community? I know if I ran for public office, bloggers would have a treasure trove of embarrassing stories to post, completely unrelated to the issues. I can see the headlines now: “Steve Pigeon Declares Sweeney’s Command of Obscure Pop Culture References ‘Shameful.’” 3. Fans of the old-school Airport Plaza Jewelers TV spots I’ve got a question for the team of writers that creates the spots for Airport Plaza Jewelers (4210 Union Road). What happened to the appendages? For some reason, the old commercials we all know and love—which depict a lonely middle-aged man sitting in an old Photo-Mat, caressing mannequin parts while trying to sell you a watch—have completely changed. Instead of “Where a really great diamond doesn’t cost an arm and leg,” we’re stuck with “We buy it all!” And in place of the limbs, there’s another person—as the jewelry close-ups flash across the screen, some woman sticks her head in and screams “I’d buy it!” over and over again. So why the change? Why, when they had such a good thing going, would Airport Plaza Jewelers change horses in midstream? Did the owner create this woman by assembling a human figure from his collection of mannequin parts and bringing it to life with a pint of raven’s blood, a lock of hair from a Cheektowagan, and a spell from the pages of the Necronomicon? I think the answer is yes. Yes, he did. Joe Sweeney still contends a great diamond is no more expensive than a body part or two. SUBSCRIBE NOW Back to the Table of Contents Back to Top