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Mola Ram Rituals
By Joe Sweeney
For most people, the new year feels hopeful. But for Buffalonians, it feels more like Christmas trees that shed needles into every nook and cranny of the house. When you’re walking around barefoot in May and one of them pierces your foot like some forgotten green wasp, you’re seriously talkin’ proud. So while you look forward to what 2009 has to offer, take a gander at the latest deflating news about our beloved burg.
1. A deceptive dip in gas prices
Early this past November, I was thrilled at the price I saw on the gas pump. “$2.81!” I chirped. “Isn’t this gonna be a gumdrop day!” My mirth continued until I learned that the national average was much less, and that Western New York’s prices were the highest in the country. “Oh no!” I said. “Those sugary gumdrops have turned to a nest of writhing maggots!”
2. A Noble bailout
Being a snobby buzzkill of a human being, only one thing about the $60 million Walden Galleria expansion excited me—a new, two-story Barnes & Noble (“Barnes & Nobles” in Buffalo-speak). The thought of an expensive dinner at a Cheesecake Factory inside a mall makes me sick. But the bookstore was going to be a monstrosity of retail bliss, a place for readers to escape while their friends max out their credit cards on designer jeans. Alas, this intellectual oasis will never be, as the retailer officially pulled out of the project in November. Oh well. What do us guys needs with another bookstore anyways? I seen one just across the street from dat dere mall.
[Mola Ram is the demonic priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, who digs the hearts from his victims’ chests with his bare hands. If you already knew that, well, I’m sure you’ll meet a nice girl someday.]
Joe Sweeney loves delivering bad news to people. You might as well call him the Bad News Fairy, which was his high school nickname, except for the “bad news” part.
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