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Mola Ram Rituals
By Joe Sweeney
Some people might say a column devoted to complaining about negative things is bad for the community. Why focus on the mud at your feet when there are celestial wonders above? “Well,” I’d say to those people, “shut up.” Buffalo is full of incredible things, and this magazine is largely devoted to giving them the exposure they deserve. So let’s sit back and learn about a few things that’ll make you second-guess whether our city is as sophisticated and well respected as you think.
1. Quaker Steak & Lube
(6727 Transit Road, Lancaster)
Finally, the family restaurant/auto repair shop experience we’ve all been clamoring for. To the outsider, Buffalo probably seems like the kind of city that loves fried appetizer platters almost as much as oil changes, so it’s no surprise that this national chain has sprouted up here. But if there’s any justice in the world, it’ll fizzle like an extra-large Mr. Pibb, because Quaker Steak & Lube’s tagline is “Best Wings USA.” It takes some stones for any chain to say that, but they should have kept it out of our backyard.
2. Misdiagnosed elephantiasis
In Defense of Elephants, a California-based activist group that cares more about claustrophobic zoo elephants than starving people, ranked the Buffalo Zoo #4 on its 2008 list of the “Ten Worst Zoos for Elephants.” This after the zoo spent $1 million to upgrade and expand the elephant house—a sure sign of a conspiracy. IDoE contends that the zoo’s three elephants live in inadequate housing, “in which they will spend the majority of their lives, including prolonged hours during Buffalo’s frigid winters.” Zoo president Donna Fernandes has said that the elephants move freely between the house and a 24,000-square-foot outdoor area, except during extreme weather conditions. A Californian would probably think Buffalo’s weather is “extreme” 300 days of the year.
3. Marley & Me
This adorably troublesome dog movie was tops at the box office two weeks in a row, and we had something to do with it. “We’ve been extremely excited about the performance of the movie,” explained Mike Clement, president of Dipson Theatres. “Grosses are really holding up well.” For shame, Western New York.
[Mola Ram is the demonic priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, who digs the hearts from his victims’ chests with his bare hands.]
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